The Things That Make Us Deaf

Everyone is self-centred.

This might be in a big way or a small way. It’s natural. You view the world from the perspective of your own needs, wants, ambitions & pattern of logic.

And this is why two people in the same conversation can come away hearing two different things.

Certain parts of a conversation naturally stand out to you, when something else may be the emphasis for your counterpart. You come away from the conversation with different conclusions.

Even your tone of voice is perceived differently to what was intended because they are hearing a different narrative.

Academy Award nominated film Marriage Story portrays this terrifically. The husband in the story recalls conversations with his wife relating to his wants as “decisions” but conversations driven by his wife’s ambitions as “discussions”. His wife’s perception is the opposite. When confronted with the comparison, he realises that that he was inconsiderate of what his wife wanted.

“Two people in the same conversation can come away hearing two different things.”

While this lack of consideration can be natural, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story. You can combat this.

Always make an effort to really listen to the other person. If things are vague, ask for clarification.

If something matters to you, point it out. Don’t casually mention it once and then expect the other person to read your mind about how important it is.

One antidote to being inconsiderate is to be considerate. Think about what the other person is wanting out of this conversation. Again, this doesn’t come naturally so you have to be deliberate about it.

If the other person is saying something difficult to hear, don’t be defensive. They may not be saying it to be accusatory. Instead, it may be the starting point for dealing with a problem or concern.

Another way to make sure you are heard (or to check that you have heard the other person correctly) is to repeat back what the other has said. Not everyone agrees with this tactic, it can feel clunky to do. But it is effective in getting across a point. The other person still may not agree but at least they will know what you are saying and why you said it.

Your self-centredness can make you deaf. But you can mitigate that.

A little understanding goes a long way.

Let’s talk.